The Graduate......

-Nutcase-

My Favourite Church in Malaysia

The St.Annes Church at Bukit Mertajam,Penang.

You will find peace there......

-Nutcase-

Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little pig,

She kept it fat and plastered;

And when the price of pork went up,

She shot the little bastard.

*********************************

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB

Her father shot it dead.

Now it goes to school with her,

Between two slices of bread.

*************************************

JACK AND JILL

Went up the hill To have a little fun.

Stupid Jill forgot the pill

And now they have a son.

************************************

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.

Said Simple Simon to the Pie man, 'What have you got there?'

Said the Pie man unto Simon,

'Pies, you Dumb Ass'

***********************************************

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.

All the kings' horses, And all the kings' men.

Had scrambled eggs, For breakfast again.

*******************************************

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,

Kissed the girls and made them cry.

And when the boys came out to play,

He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.

*************************************************

***GOT IT IN THE MAIL***

From Heaven to Hell

Rafidah, Shahrizat & Jean Abdullah meet GOD on Judgement Day. GOD says 'I understand all of you are from Malaysia, which to the Bumis, is also known as 'heaven-on-earth'. Here too you all shall be treated according to status. You shall meet the who's who of the Malaysian cream of the crop. You can see two giant gates over there. On one is stated Bumi & the other Non-Bumi. Just go to the respective gates & mention your name. BUT remember, should your claim turns out to be false, you shall be condemned to the tortures of hell for all eternity and lose any chance of redemption whatsoever.'


Jean goes over first. She stands outside the Bumi gate and mentions her name. The digital display flashes 'DLL' and a ear- piercing alarm rings out. The gate opens to reveal a chamber of raging fire of intense heat. 'Welcome to hell' booms a burly turbaned Sikh as he pulls her in. His name tag reads as Irwan Shah Abdullah@DJ Dave@Sukhdave Singh.

Rafidah & Shahrizat are caught by surprise but smile at each other knowingly. Next goes Shahrizat. She too stands outside the Bumi gate & mentions her name. The digital display screen flashes 'MAMAK' and another ear-piercing alarm triggers. The gate opens to reveal an icy cold chamber way below freezing point. 'Welcome home, I'm Mamoothy', says a sarcastic voice who's name tag reads as Mahathir s/o Mohd Kutty.

Rafidah who is very sure of qualifying, walks over haughtily to the gate which she feels is her birth-right. Just as she mentions her name, the digital display flashes 'INDIAN' .There is a thunderous flash and the gate opens to reveal a pot-bellied figure with a trident in hand & nothing else on except a wig. A familiar voice rings out 'Selamat datang Paduka, Kemaluan saya amat besar, tetapi walaubagaimana pun.......'.He can't go on as he is salivating and panting heavily. She is too shocked for words and turns around in time to hear GOD say just before the gate closes forever 'Your particulars in our record shows your middle name to be AP instead of binti.....'

********GOT IN THE MAIL******

I LIKE TO 'CARI PASAL'

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age.

I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.

I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and comeback later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too'

And then the fight started.....

*****************************************************

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend.

I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

**********************************************************

I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!

'So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started....

***************************************************************

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.

She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible;

look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

he husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight starts .....

*********************************************************

****got in the mail*****

Why Go To Temple ?

If you're spiritually alive, you're going to love this!

If you're spiritually dead, you won't want to read it.

If you're spiritually curious, there is still hope!

A 'devotee' goer wrote a letter to the editor of a newspaper and complained that it made no sense to go to the Temple.

'I've gone for 30 years now, he wrote, and in that time I have heard something like 3,000 mantras.

But for the life of me, I can't remember a single one of them. So, I think I'm wasting my time and the Gurus are wasting theirs by giving services at all.

This started a real controversy in the 'Letters to the Editor' column, much to the delight of the editor.

NUTCASE SAYS: THE BEST ANSWER FOR ABOVE COMPLAIN....NUTCASE SALUTES THE WRITTER

It went on for weeks until someone wrote this clincher: I've been married for 30 years now. In that time my wife has cooked some 32,000 meals.

But, for the life of me, I cannot recall the entire menu for a single one of those meals.

But I do know this.. They all nourished me and gave me the strength I needed to do my work. If my wife had not given me these meals, I would be physically dead today.

Likewise, if I had not gone to the Temple for nourishment, I would be spiritually dead today!

*************'When Satan is knocking at your door, simply say, **************

**************** 'Lord Ganesha, could you get that for me?!!' ***************

A minister decided that a visual demonstration would add emphasis to his Sunday sermon.

Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a container of alcohol.

The second worm was put into a container of cigarette smoke.

The third worm was put into a container of chocolate syrup.

The fourth worm was put into a container of good clean soil.

At the conclusion of the sermon, the Minister reported the following results:

The first worm in alcohol - Dead

The second worm in cigarette smoke - Dead

Third worm in chocolate syrup - Dead

Fourth worm in good clean soil - Alive.

So the Minister asked the congregation -

What can you learn from this demonstration?

Maxine was sitting in the back, quickly raised her hand and said,

"As long as you drink, smoke and eat chocolate, you won't have worms!"

That pretty much ended the service --

LAUGH AND BE MERRY

****GOT IT IN THE MAIL****

Men's Words of Wisdom

• When I was born, I was given a choice - A big dick or a good memory. I don't remember, what I chose.
• Your birth certificate is an apology letter from the condom factory.
• A wife is a sex object. Every time you ask for sex, she objects
• Impotence: Nature's way of saying 'No hard feelings...'
• There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - 'don't' and 'stop', unless they are used together.
• Panties: No t the best thing on earth, but next to the best thing on earth.
• There are three stages of sex in a man's life: Tri Weekly, Try Weekly,? and Try Weakly.
• Virginity can be cured.
• Virginity is not dignity, its lack of opportunity
• Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner,? you'd better have a good hand.
• I tried phone sex once, but the holes in the dialer were too small.
• Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
• Q: What's an Australian kiss? A: The same thing as a French kiss, only down under.
• A couple just married were happy with the whole thing. He was happy with the Hole and she was happy with the Thing......
• Q: What are the three biggest tragedies in a mans life? A: Life sucks, job sucks, and the wife doesn't.
• Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? A: Breasts don't have eyes.
• Despite the old saying, 'Don't take your troubles to bed', many men still sleep with their wives!!

One word or two?

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends,they decided it was finally time to get married. Before the wedding they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements, and so on. Finally,the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 'How do you feel about sex?' he asked, rather tentatively.

'I would like it infrequently' she replied.

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered 'Is that one word or two'

NICE ONE..........

*******GOT IT IN THE MAIL*******

POP THE CHERRY.....

Chopping the cherry tree
Legend has it that George Washington, America's first president, chopped> down a cherry tree in his youth. George gives the tree a good swing and chops it down with an axe . His father sees the damaged tree and asks his son if he knows who did the deed. George is quoted bravely admitting the truth : "I can't tell a lie, Pa; you know I can't tell a lie. I did cut it with my axe."

This is a satire of how some Malaysian politicians circa 2008 may have reacted to the question :-

PM Badawi - I did not cut down the tree, I was just taking a nap underneath it.

Najib - I swear that I have never MET that tree.

Hishamuddin- ... but I only own a keris, not axe, how to cut down the tree.

Dr.M - Apa nama cherry tree, I chopped it down because, I don't like the idea of Pak lah sleeping under it.

Chua Soi Lek - Yes it was me, I resign as caretaker of this orchard.

VK Lingam - It could be me, it might have been me but I don't think its me.

Anwar Ibrahim - I DID NOT do it, and I am not giving any DNA samples for you to plant on the axe handle.

Khir Toyo - the new state government should just trim the grass and not waste time asking who cut the tree.

Ahmad Said (Terrenganu MB)- I chopped it because cherry trees are more expensive to maintain than durian trees.

Azalina Othman - The cherry tree is not included under my tourism MOU so I cut it down. Besides there were unauthorized signboards put up around the tree.

Shabery Cheek - I challenge you to a debate on tree cutting.

Samy Velu - I chopped it because HINDRAF members were using it as a meeting point

Wira Ali Rustam - We have planted Durian trees for 50 years and we will plant them for another 50 years, we do not need cheery trees, apple trees, pear trees and all these other foreign trees.

Rais Yatim - you must see the bigger picture, Ahmad said cherry trees are expensive to maintain, Ali Rustan said that are against our national identity and I needed to test my new axe, so you see- its a WIN-WIN situation all around.

Sharir Samad - I cut the tree because we could no longer afford to subsidize it.

Karpal Singh - The bigfoot creature did it.

Bung Mokhtar - The big monkey did it

Pandikar Amin Mulia - There is nothing in the standing orders against chopping cherry trees, Kinabatangan duduk, Bukit Gelugor duduk.sit down.

Khairy Jamaluddin - I did not do it, neither did the mat rempits.by the way, what's a cherry tree ?

Lim Kit Siang - In response to Khairy - cherry tree also you don't know, you are an insult to Oxford.

Nazri Aziz - racist, racist, racist, when we cut down durian trees nobody made a fuss.

Malaysian Citizens - oh for heavens sake! Somebody plant something before we all starve to death.

******got in the mail******

Words Malaysians can incorporate into their daily lives:

"Anwarized" - meaning: To get back-stabbed.. i.e. People who have been anwarized may contact the DPM's hotline

"Badawized" - meaning: To be stupified ...........i.e. Malaysians seem to be badawized by the media which reports biased news

"Najibbed" - meaning: To be blown to bits .....i.e. In this country,you better be careful with what you say, you can be najibbed otherwise

"Petrad" - meaning: To be exposed ...........i.e. Lately the BN coalition has been petrad in many ways

"KayJayed" - meaning: To shout for no reason i.e. He kayjayed in the Dewan and appeared like a moron

"Balaed" - meaning: To vanish suddenly i.e. They opposition balaed from the meeting in protest

"Lingamed" - meaning: To repeat redundantly i.e. The Information Minister lingamed the same rubbish in the debate recently.

"Soileked" - meaning: To be caught on tape i.e. People have stopped using budget hotels as they are afraid of being soileked.

A short Malaysian fiction :

Altantuya was cold bloodedly najibbed after she attempted to petra Najib for anwarising her and not making the promised payments.Razak was badawized into covering up for Najib while Najib balaed from the scene. Razak was actually anwarized.However Najib lingamed that he had nothing to do with it and has been kayjaying on the topic in an attempt to prove his innocence.Nevertheless, some quarters have been threatening that they have soileked evidence that Najib was involved.

"To Love Malaysia, is to know Malaysia"

HHmmmmm.........

****GOT IN THE MAIL****

SICK LEAVE

Dear Boss,

During the weekend,I unfortunately had an accident which resulted to a broken bone. With this, I would like to inform you that it would be impossible for me to work for the next few weeks.

Attached is the copy of the X-Ray

Regards
'Broken Romeo'

OUCH

--------HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHHA-----------

****GOT IN THE MAIL*****