How a marriage works

A newlywed couple had only been married for two weeks.

The husband, although very much in love, couldn't wait to go out on the town and party with his old buddies.

So, he said to his new wife, 'Honey, I'll be right back.' '

Where are you going, coochy cooh?' asked the wife.

'I'm going to the bar, pretty face. I' m going to have a beer.'

The wife said, 'You want a beer, my love?'

She opened the door to the refrigerator and showed him 25 different kinds of beer brands from 12 different countries: Germany, Holland, Japan , India ,etc.

The husband didn't know what to do, and the only thing that he could think of saying was, 'Yes, lolly pop...but at the bar...you know...they have frozen glasses...'

He didn't get to finish the sentence, because the wife interrupted him by saying, 'You want a frozen glass, puppy face?' She took a huge beer mug out of the freezer, so frozen that she was getting chills just holding it.

The husband, looking a bit pale, said, 'Yes, tootsie roll, but at the Bar they have those hors d'oeuvres that are really delicious... I won't be long, I'll be right back. I promise. OK?'

You want hors d'oeuvres, poochi pooh?' She opened the oven and took out 5 dishes of different hors d'oeuvres: chicken wings, pigs in blankets, mushroom caps, pork strips, etc.

'But my sweet honey... At the bar... You know...there's swearing, dirty words and all that...

' 'You want dirty words, Dickhead? Drink your f***ing beer in your Goddamn frozen mug and eat your motherf***ing snacks, because you are Married now, and you aren't f***ing going anywhere! Got it, Asshole?'

........and, they lived happily ever after.

Now, isn't that a sweet story?

*******GOT IT IN THE MAIL....DAMN MARRIAGE****

INDIAN MOVIE

1. Biasalah, kebanyakan cerita bermula dengan 2 beradik terpisah. Sorang di bela oleh orang jahat dan sorang lagi dibela oleh orang baik. Dah besar, abang jadi Inspektor Sahab dan adik jadi gangster. Nak abih cerita mesti adik kena tembak ngan abang dan waktu nazak baru si abang tahu yang dia tembak tadi adalah adiknya sendiri
melalui tanda parut.

2. Orang jahat digambarkan tersangat jahat sampai lembu pun takut.

3. Selalunya depa suka ciplak bulat2 filem barat macam Pretty Woman, Face Off dan Heat.

4. Paling pendek pun jangkamasa tayangan adalah 3 jam.

5. Orang jahat dan hero payah nak mati walaupun kepala dah kena ketuk dengan tukul besi.

6. Hero tak kena tembak walaupun ditembak dari jarak satu kaki.

7. Adegan joget sambil menyanyi akan melibatkan penari iringan seramai satu kampong dan bertukar 7 atau 8 pasang pakaian untuk setiap lokasi hanya untuk satu lagu.

8. Adegan keretapi tak leh tertinggal. Joget reramai sampai atas bumbung keretapi.

9. Kalau cerita moden, dialog mesti bercampur bahasa omputeh dan Hindi. Contoh
' I'm sorry. I didn't know that na pere tomhe cha....bla....bla....bla...'.

10. Biasanya plot dan jalan cerita da boleh baca apa penyudahnya. Tu yang pelik ramai plak yang tunggu sampai abih.

CERITA CINA

1. Cerita Kungfu, hero terror boleh terbang. Tapi sambung pengembaraan mesti jalan kaki. Apsal tak terbang jek. Kan cepat sampai.

2. Hero mesti miskin gila. Tapi mesti ada sekeping or 2 keping duit siling kat celah lengan besar jubah dia.

3. Kalau cerita moden hero boleh lawan dan tewaskan 30 orang penjahat serentak.

4. Biasalah, kalau kena tembak mesti kat bahu or kat kaki. Tak mati.

5. Heroin mesti jadi bini or girlfriend boss penjahat dan jatuh cinta kat hero.

6. Hero mesti menembak pakai 2 pistol, kiri dan kanan. Macam Chow Yuen Fatt dalam filem 'A Better Tomorrow'.

7. Pistol hero mesti peluru tak habis2. Tak payah reload.

8. Cerita hantu, hantu dia biasanya pakai bedak muka tebal2 dan hitamkan keliling mata. Kat bibir ada darah meleleh. ( Tak seram pun ).

9. Kalau cerita lucu plak, mesti ada adegan air liur meleleh keluar mulut macam air paip.

INDIA , CHINESE and MALAY MOVIE......

CERITA MELAYU

1. 80% jalan cerita berkisar tentang:

a. Cinta.
b. Cinta 3 segi.
c. Cinta 4 segi.
d. Anak-anak rebut harta pusaka.
e. Kalau keluarga kaya, anak2 rebut sapa nak gantikan Tan Sri (ayah) jadi Pengerusi, CEO atau Presiden syarikat.

2. Walau pun cerita pasal awek kilang, rumah awek kilang ni mesti complete furnished. Ada TV 29", Home Teatre, peti sejuk besar, set sofa mewah. (Director tak buat home work ker? Pegi la tengok umah awek kilang kat Sungei Way tu).

3. Cerita polis lak, dialah pegawai penyiasat, dialah jadi forensic, dialah jadi pathologist, dialah yang gi ambush. Semuanya DIA yang buat. Polis lak dialog pakai bahasa buku. "Saya rasa kita patut siasat dengan lebih terperinci tuan". " Betul cadangan awak itu. Kita bertindak sekarang".

4. Kalau cerita pasal Construction, bawak satu pelan gulung, pakai topi KUNING, tunjuk-tunjuk kat bangunan tengah buat, discuss dengan 'kepala' Indon komplen kenapa projek lambat siap kat Indon tadi. ( Topi kuning utk pekerja buruh la bang ).

5. Adegan doktor kat Wad check pesakit. Ambik fail hujung katil, selak-selak. Dialog wajib : "Kesihatan awak bertambah baik. Banyakkan berehat dan jangan lupa makan ubat ". ( Woi bang, tengokla cerita ER tu, Dr ada medical terms dia ).

6. Adegan kat umah. Ayah mesti tengah baca paper, Mak mesti tengah menjahit atau
lipat baju. Orang gaji tengah basuh pinggan. Orang gaji mesti nama dia Mak Nab
atau Mak Jah.

7. Nak panjangkan rakaman filem mesti ada adegan kereta sampai kat umah, bukak pintu kereta, bukak pintu pagar, masuk balik kereta, drive masuk car porch, keluar, tutup pintu pagar.

8. Adegan sembahyang mesti dah salam akhir or adegan mengaji Quran mesti dah sampai part sadakallah hulazim. ( Cover line kot ).

9. Gangster atau kuncu orang jahat mesti pakai baju takder lengan, pakai rantai dan pakai bracelet.

10. Nak bagi sedih gila, mesti buat adegan dah tahu nak mati pasal kena barah otak.

Sekian laporan ikhlas untuk pedoman tuan2 director filem.

Yang benar, Ah yau Jengkol Spielberg.

( Sepupu tiri sebelah nenek sedara Steven Spielberg ).

****GOT ALL THE THREE POST IN THE MAIL*****

EXCUSES...EXCUSES...AND MORE EXCUSES.....

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR HAIR LOSS:

Maggi Mee.

NATIONAL EXCUSE FOR BEING LATE:

Traffic Jam.

NATIONAL CONDOM:

None. Most Malaysians still feel embarrassed buying condoms.So they rush into a 7-11, hurriedly grab the nearest pack,any pack, pay and leave before the cashier can even blink an eye.

NATIONAL FRUIT FOR INDUCING MENSTRUATION:

Pineapple.

NATIONAL APHRODISIAC DRINK:

Stout. Many swear by it.But after a few pints they startswearing at everything...

NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (MEN):

Food Poisoning.

NATIONAL FAKE ILLNESS FOR GETTING MC (WOMEN):

Menstrual Pain

NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY WOMEN WHEN REFUSING SEX:

Headache, kids not asleep, maid not asleep, mother-in-law around, earlyappointment, period, haven't removed make-up, haven't had a shower, nowatersupply, going to watch 'Desperate Housewives', depressed, no mood, etc...

NATIONAL EXCUSES GIVEN BY MEN WHEN REFUSING SEX:

None. Malaysian men never refuse sex. (oh ya??)

NATIONAL CURE FOR HEADACHES:

Panadol. The 'cure for all'. If it fails we have another secret weapon;Tiger Balm.

NATIONAL CURE FOR DIZZINESS:

Minyak Angin Cap Kapak.

NATIONAL CAUSE OF DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES):

Happy Hours.

NATIONAL INSTANT CURE FOR DIZZINESS (FOR YUPPIES):

The sight of a police roadblock.

NATIONAL RUBBISH DUMP:

Anywhere. As long as it is not your house.

NATIONAL MOST MIS-PRONOUNCED NAME:

Carrefour. Sometimes even pronounced as Carry 4!On second thought, why bother pronouncing stupid French brands likePeugeot, Renault or Citroen correctly. I think it sounds better,when thelocal mechanics say 'Pew Jeot'. When I was in school, Milo was always'MeeLo', now that I'm sophisticated, I say 'My Lo'. So don't beembarrassed saying 'Carry 4' when the ! Mat Sallehs shamelessly pronounceorang utan as 'rangootan'.

NATIONAL ROADSIDE DISTRACTION:

The Bra-less Tourist. See how heads turn and traffic slows down when abra-less Mat Salleh backpacker goes 'bouncing' about on the streets.

NIAMAH.............

When I visited Malaysia Today today I was most pleasantly surprised by Raja Petra's article entitled, " How to strike back and counter the sabotage". I have reproduced that part of it which I thought was so damn good an idea.

"I urge all Muslims to pay their zakat and fitrah in any one of the five Pakatan Rakyat states. Are you aware that you can pay zakat in lieu of your income tax? And you can request that your salary be deducted monthly and the money be sent to the state zakat office instead of to the IRD. No, it is not exemption from tax like if you were to donate to a tax-exempt charity. It is zakat in lieu of tax.

That means when you pay zakat you need not pay income tax.Say you have to pay RM1,000 income tax per month on your salary (or RM12,000 per year if you pay annually). You just pay the money to the zakat office instead and send the receipt to the IRD and consider your income tax fully paid.Why do this? Well, when you pay to the IRD, the money goes to the Federal Government and Umno will use the money. But when you pay zakat the state gets to keep the money and in the five Pakatan Rakyat states for sure Umno will not be able to get its hands on the money.

Think about it.

Zakat is mandatory under Islam. So you will be fulfilling your Islamic duty plus you will be helping the five Pakatan Rakyat states plus you will be denying Umno that money. That’s killing three birds with one stone.Okay, zakat is only 2.5% of your wealth (zakat harta) or income (zakat pendapatan) while income tax is higher. So, pay the higher figure.

After all, you will have to pay it anyway whether you pay zakat or income tax. And imagine how many poor and destitute people, the homeless, students who need financial aid or scholarships, orphans, single mothers, old folks who can’t work, handicapped people, etc., can be helped with this zakat money."

Isn't that like a stroke of genius? I think our Muslim Malaysian brethren should seriously think about it. In fact, if there was something like this for Christians I'd switch over instantly. Up until the time I read this RPK post I only had one genius in my circle of friends. Now I have 2. Well, sort of friend la since I have never met RPK in person. Damn good la.

Tabik, sir.

*******I CIPLAK'ED ALL THE ABOVE FROM http://niamah.blogspot.com/ ********

Words in green from RPKhttp://www.malaysia-today.net/2008/

Words in GOLD from PATRICK 'NIAMAH' TEOHhttp://niamah.blogspot.com/

****HAD A STRONG URGE TO POST THIS*****

MARKETING 101.....

UNDERSTANDING 10 MARKETING CONCEPTS
1. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's DIRECT MARKETING.

2. You are at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's very rich. Marry him!"
That's ADVERTISING.

3. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day, you call her and say, "Hi, I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's TELEMARKETING.

4. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You get up and straighten your tie. You walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her. You pick up her bag after she drops it. You offer her a ride and you say, "By the way, I am very rich. Will you marry me?"
That's PUBLIC RELATIONS.

5. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. She walks up to you and says, "You are very rich. Can you marry me?"
That's BRAND RECOGNITION.

6. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You walk up to her and say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's CUSTOMER FEEDBACK.

7. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You walk up to her and say, I am very rich. Marry me!" And she introduces you to her husband.
That's DEMAND AND SUPPLY GAP.

8. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You walk up to her and before you can say anything, another person comes along and tells her, "I am very rich. Marry me!"
That's MARKET COMPETITION.

9. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You walk up to her and before you can say anything, another person comes along and tells her, "I am very rich. Marry me! And she follows him.
That's LOSING MARKET SHARE.

10. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You walk up to her and before you can say, "I am very rich. Marry me!" YOUR WIFE TURNS UP!
That's BARRIER TO NEW MARKET ENTRY.

MAY 13th 1969.......

OUR THOUGHTS ARE WITH THE VICTIMS..........

HAPPY MOTHERS DAY.......

My Mother taught me about ANTICIPATION:

"Just wait until your father gets home."

My Mother taught me about RECEIVING:.

"You are going to get it when we get home!"

My Mother taught me to MEET A CHALLENGE:

"What were you thinking? Answer me when I talk to you... Don't talk back tome!"

My Mother taught me LOGIC:

"Because I said so, that's why."&"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My Mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE:

"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

My Mother taught me to THINK AHEAD:

"If you don't pass your spelling test, you'll never get a good job."

My Mother taught me ESP:

"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you're cold?"

My Mother taught me HUMOR:

"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My Mother taught me how to BECOME AN ADULT:

"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My Mother taught me about SEX:

"How do you think you got here?"

My Mother taught me about GENETICS:

"You're just like your father."

My Mother taught me about my ROOTS:

"Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My Mother taught me about WISDOM OF AGE:

"When you get to be my age, you will understand."

My Mother taught me about JUSTICE:

"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you. Then you'll see what it's like."

My mother taught me RELIGION:

"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL:

"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of nextweek!"

My mother taught me FORESIGHT:

"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY:

"Keep crying and I'll *give* you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS:

"Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM:

"Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about STAMINA:

"You'll sit there until all that spinach is finished."

My mother taught me about WEATHER:

"It looks as if a tornado swept through your room.

"My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS:

"If I yelled becauseI saw a meteor coming toward you, would you listen then?"

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY:

"If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: Don't Exaggerate!! !

My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE:

"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION:

"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY:

"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't havewonderful parents like you

******LOVE YOU MUM......YOU ARE THE BEST*******

GIRL OF DREAMS........

****HOW I WISH.........hmmmm*****

PRATHOSHAM

Dear All,

"PRATHOSHAM" pooja is for Lord Shiva.

In May 2008, Valarpirai Prathosam pooja falls on 03.05.08 saturday and 17.05.08 Saturday. Saturday prathosham is very powerful.

Try and go to any Sivan Temple at 4.00pm with a coconut lamp (break one coconut into 2, fill both with GHEE) ...bring to the temple, light in up after the Theeba Aarathanai.

Do an archanai for your name and natchatiram.

The prayers will be on from 4pm ~ 6pm only.

Those who are unable to attend prayers at this time can also do it after 7pm - normal prayer time. But you would miss the Special Abishegam.

It is believed that attending the SATURDAY PRATHOSHAM will help one to be cleared of all kinds of THOSHAM and Poorva Janma Paavam.

These are the only two Saturday Prathoshams for the rest of this year.

May God Bless You.